Work in Progress - BDSM Girl Porn. Help? :-D

[amazon-syren.livejournal.com]

Sooooooooooooooo... This is a work in progress, as the subject-heading suggests.

It's a little over 6,800 words long (about 13 pages), in total.

Things that I'm *really* not sure about (including big, all-caps questions that are bracketed and right in the middle of the text - bear with me) are in bold.
Thoughts are in italics.

Premise: Newbie Top meets Experienced Sub. Hawt Fun ensues.

Rating: NC17 or X for explicit sex.


Feedback - on how to improve, on how to make it more realistic, on how to make it sexier, or whatever, is heartily sought. :-) Please help, if you can. :-)

Suggestions for a better title are also welcome. :-)

*~*~*~*~*

( Meeting Karen )

*~*~*~*~*

Feedback = Most Appreciated.

Thank You. :-D