Technical critique: You need to check your spellign and grammer, especially at the beginning where you change tenses mid-paragraph.
Content critque: I loved it! The climax was well written and acurate based on my experiences as a sub. I liked the way you set a romantic scene then made that romace impliments of the BDSM (pearl colar/leash link to the hook from the lantern). I like the teasing and the demands for begging. It worked for me. :-)
My only suggestion... I didn't like her saying no it a safeword. It's irresponsible not to have one, especially for a first play-date alone together. i hate seeing erotic fiction that encourages unsafe behavior since many people who are new to the lifestyle read ertica before they act it out in real life. Maybe reword that paragraph something like this.
Your text: “Do you need anything before we begin?” she asks, softly. “A safeword? Something to eat?”
My suggestion: “Do you need anything before we begin?” she asks, softly. “Something to eat or drink? You remember our safeword?”
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2009-07-20 05:07 pm (UTC)Content critque: I loved it! The climax was well written and acurate based on my experiences as a sub. I liked the way you set a romantic scene then made that romace impliments of the BDSM (pearl colar/leash link to the hook from the lantern). I like the teasing and the demands for begging. It worked for me. :-)
My only suggestion... I didn't like her saying no it a safeword. It's irresponsible not to have one, especially for a first play-date alone together. i hate seeing erotic fiction that encourages unsafe behavior since many people who are new to the lifestyle read ertica before they act it out in real life. Maybe reword that paragraph something like this.
Your text:
“Do you need anything before we begin?” she asks, softly. “A safeword? Something to eat?”
My suggestion:
“Do you need anything before we begin?” she asks, softly. “Something to eat or drink? You remember our safeword?”